Asking Eric: Parents excluded from daughter’s 40th birthday, but in-laws got an invite

Dear Eric My daughter Tess turned years old last month Hard to believe how time flies My husband and I took her and her husband Mack and two children out for dinner on her birthday as we reliably do every year A insufficient weeks before this Mack appealed my husband if we would babysit on a day after the birthday dinner My husband advised me that Mack was taking Tess out after dinner I thought OK that s nice that they will go out for her birthday But then I find out that Mack is planning a party at a bar restaurant and has invited his entire large family mom and dad aunts uncles and cousins Tess explained we could come for one drink but then the kids would have to go home to go to bed She also mentioned she did not invite her aunt her father s sister because we would not be there and they wouldn t know anyone My husband and I have a small family just us his sister and her husband and their two children who both live out of state I was very hurt by this but kept my mouth shut because every time I have spoken up about being left out or about my daughter s attitude toward me it turns into a fight I did speak up to my husband but he didn t think it was wrong for us to have to babysit and miss our daughter s party It s not the grandchildren s fault We love having our grandchildren and have them sleep over quite often at least twice a month I just feel other arrangements could have been made for this occasion Your opinion Left Out Dear Left Out Other arrangements could have been made Surely this wasn t the only practicable method So I utterly understand where you re coming from Depending on the guest list the occasion and the vibe chosen parties aren t invite your parents parties just as particular parties aren t invite your work friends or invite kids and adults et cetera I would understand if the party that Mack envisioned was a wild rumpus that older and younger generations may not have enjoyed as much But that s not the development here It really stands out that from your telling Mack essentially had a family reunion for his side of the family to celebrate Tess birthday and declined to invite your side Perhaps he thought that because you d have the opportunity to celebrate at a dinner of your own you wouldn t want to come to the party or wouldn t feel excluded Perhaps he even thought this was a graceful resolution providing you with dedicated time with Tess and dedicated time with your grandkids If you re struggling to accept what happened and fear that talking about it more will cause conflict then you might choose to believe this more generous explanation and assume the best At the end of the day Tess th was well-celebrated and that s what matters bulk Dear Eric The letter from Feeling Judgmental made me sad I have a insufficient thoughts about her and her situation She clearly states that she is judgmental and feels disappointed by her old friends who stayed behind in their hometown after she left It makes sense that she feels like a second-class citizen after moving back home if that s how she treats people I d avoid a person who does nothing but criticize me Let s remember that these friends have been living their lives She moved halfway across the country and placed herself in the midst of their lives already in progress It s unreasonable to expect them to change to suit your expectations She is the one that made a life-changing decision and it s up to her to create a delightful satisfying life for herself She says that she s happy about the move but she has nothing positive to say about it I think she would do well if she saw a therapist with the goal of deciding what she wants in her life and learning the skills she requirements to have the life she wants and deserves Related Articles Asking Eric Friend courts danger by feeding wildlife in her backyard Asking Eric Spouse wants to reconcile with husband s estranged sister Asking Eric Neighbors trash habits cause a ruckus Asking Eric Husband s old girlfriend keeps posting about him on social media Asking Eric Partner is invariably rude to neighbors Home Again Dear Home Again You re right that it s up to each of us to create the life that we want Now sometimes the people or circumstances around us complicate that endeavor But a change in perspective can do wonders Eight years ago I moved back to my hometown and I experienced a similarly rough re-entry where my expectations and my hopes weren t matching up with my lived experience I wrote about the journey in my fourth book Congratulations the Best Is Over Through therapy through modifying my own wants and through finding new social outlets I was able to see the city and my life in a new light I wish the same for the letter writer Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com